Our second born

 Elliot James Morse

Small contractions woke me up on Monday morning at around 1am, I knew from being pregnant with August that if they woke me up, they were gonna be productive. I fought through them and tried to sleep. I couldn’t time them because of being in and out of sleep mixed with knowing they will only get worse but this all gave me a chance to start to breathe through them. They finally got me out of bed around 5am,  That’s when I told James I was going to run a bath and ended up texting my doula around 6ish to let her know what was happening. She advised for me to do exactly as i was doing- Relax in the tub and try and rest, the next stage was coming and I needed to prepare for it. 

I knew my mom was awake downstairs because she wakes up at 4-5am almost every morning and she had been staying with us for a few days leading up to my due date. She thought for a moment a pipe had broke and was going to run upstairs to tell us. Thankfully she didn’t because I was napping in the tub and breathing through some contractions. They weren’t very strong but I knew if I got a hold on them early I would maintain control over them for as long as possible. Something I wasn’t very good at during my last labor- grabbing control over the contractions (it was THREE days of them- so I can’t blame myself).

I had prepared a little of the possibilities that I may be laboring in the tub. We also just have lighted bottles and jars in the bathroom anyway so it all worked out well. When I finally got out of the tub- I laid down and told James I think they’re regular enough to try and keep timing them.

Actual labor contractions started being timed at 1:58- The other times were the night before I believe. I had a few days of braxton hicks and practice contractions that had some pain with them. The number on the left is the time (starting at the bottom), then how long they lasted and how long in-between them. For whatever reason my phone didn't screenshot the contractions I had in the middle of the night (only a few show up from 5:46am-9am then I had my midwife appointment at 1230ish)

I slept till about 8am I think, maybe later. James had brought August down for breakfast and they ate with my mom while I napped as much as I could. It felt like I slept the contractions away. Which really???! How’s that even happen? I guess a few days before that I had a few but only a few. They stopped as well. These felt different though. More real. And as I woke up and started moving around, I could barely feel them. I went down stairs and tried to eat something. I knew I had an appointment coming up at 12:30 for a NST just to see how baby was doing. I was excited to see if and how many contractions I would have while hooked up.

I arrived at my midwives office - contracting at the screening table while waiting for them to take my temp. Went up the elevator and at entry the girl at the front desk instinctively asked me how I was, I replied with “well I didn’t sleep last night because I woke up to contractions all night! So hopefully I’ll continue having them today!”
Excited to hear that they set me up on the monitor for about 20 minutes and I saw my midwife. She checked my dilation, I was 3cm!! So pretty much over night I moved up 3cm! (I was checked on the Monday before and I wasn’t dilated at all) While checking my dilation we talked about sweeping my membranes to “get things started” or “continue them”. Hilarious. If you've never had it done, boy is it a fun experience! LOL NOT. but most of the time apparently, well worth it. 

    She looked at the NST and saw I was having small contractions 6 minutes apart. So small, I could barely feel them. Then I had a big one at the end, that I definitely felt. We laughed and smiled and I hoped ironically that I wouldn’t be seeing them at the next appointment- They wished me luck and I had a contraction on the way out of the building- and about four more on the way home, only about a 15 minute drive. I kept drinking my tea, kept doing what I was going to get done that day, and tried to also rest and take it easy. I laid on the couch and contracted, I laid in bed and contracted. I was afraid to get back in the tub to relax because I was afraid it would slow things down. I tried to tell August that mommies tummy hurt and I may have to go with daddy to have baby brother. He’s so smart, he pretty much agreed and was sweet to me while I laid down and drank my water, contracting. I kept a low moan and timed breathing- something my yoga instructor taught me in 2018 when I was pregnant with August. I wasn’t able to use that breathing with August because my throat was so sore from acid reflux.

I laid in bed, groaned and moaned through them- while also trying to time them. They went between 5-7 minutes apart. Lasting 30 seconds to 60 seconds. If I got up to do anything they would come every 2 minutes- and be 30 seconds long.
Laying down they would be closer to the 5-7 mark. I decided that laying down would prep me, but standing up would keep them coming. I finally told James he probably should log offline and quit working for the day. I also told him to finishing packing his bag. After a few hours of contractions, I told him to load the car. I called my midwife and I texted my doula. My midwife was already at the hospital with another patient and she asked, if I haven’t progressed- If I wanted to try and be admitted or go home. I let her know, I didn’t have many plans of coming back home if we go to the hospital. I think I remember talking to my doula on the phone. She said she had an appointment with a client at 7pm so she would be in the area (at this point it was about 530? I think. At this point I wasn’t making much sense. James asked me if I wanted my water. I told him I had it with me, I turned to show him and it was clearly not where I thought it was…. We packed up the car and told August bye. He took it much better than I thought he would. He kinda didn’t even say bye, just wanted to refill his water jug so he could continue playing in the dirt and water.  Which was probably best for us, I was thinking it would be an emotional roller coaster of not wanting to leave him and knowing I had to go.

Getting in the car, I couldn’t even remember the emotions I was feeling because I was just hoping my water didn’t break and that the contractions kept coming. We pulled into the parking deck of the hospital, found a very close parking spot, we hopped out and while walking across the lot I had another contraction. James asked if I needed a wheel chair, I declined. I wanted to keep moving. We stopped at the pre-screen station and James talked to the lady and had his temperature taken. Another lady asked if I was in labor and I replied with a yes of some sort. She yelled down the hall to someone “Get her a wheel chair!” He came running to me, and they told me James would meet me upstairs. I didn’t want to leave him for any reason but I also had to go and get checked in. I’ve contracted in the middle of a busy hallway before, I didn’t want to do it again. Tooo much attention for Michelle. While filling out paper work I had a few in the quiet hallway of newly constructed parts of labor and delivery. I sat by myself for a moment to really take in the reality that I was in labor, waiting and waiting for my husband, I say that but I was only there for about 3 minutes before he came. I heard the elevator doors open and there he was, geared up with my bags and one of his. We waited for a short moment by ourselves for a nurse to wheel me into a delivery room. Once where I was greeted by my midwife, whom I loveeee!  She was there for most of the labor of my first son. And I just loved her bedside manner. Very sweet, smart, together and very supportive of everything I wished for. In the start of this pregnancy I had only a few appointments with her. She was also pregnant and so I knew we maybe cutting it short of her even being able to deliver my son. She came back from maternity leave in June I believe so I had one midwife appointment with her pregnant AF. It’s crazy how timing works sometimes. She actually ended up being on call this night too! She checked my dilation and I was just hoping I had progressed with the contractions I had alllll afternoon. She tells us I’m 5 cm dilated! 5cm! Here's an idea of what that means. 10 cm is when you push for anyone that doesn't know.

She then asked us if we wanted her to break my water. I looked at James who had worry all over his face, he grabbed my hand at some point during this question. I just knew I was sharing the same emotions with him- scared, anxious, fear that there would be a repeat of last time. We agreed to let her break my water to move things along, I leaned back closed my eyes and then looked at James as she did it. He smiled and his eyes watered he leaned in and said “it’s clear”. I felt a release of emotion that had built up over the last 9 months. What if. What if… ughhh What if. But at this point, the what if’s started to disappear. She said, everything is going to get a lot more intense. I looked at James and realized we needed to text the doula, Jessica. He sent that text out as well as others, my mom, Catherine, and his mom.

I’ll get the list of people, but I want to say she broke my water around 6:40?  

After that I just remember being asked a bunch of questions by the nurse, during contractions I couldn’t understand a lot of what was being asked. My midwife rolling in the blown up tub and setting it all up. My heart exploded when I saw her filling it up while I sat on the bed having contractions. James near by setting up my lights that glow and pulsate to music. He also put up some of my affirmations. I only ended up really reading one of them. Lol but I felt the others hanging on the wall.
The tub filled up and the time came close, my midwife asked if I had anything I was going to wear in the tub, like a bathing suit top. I brought a few because I remember from last time getting in and out of the tub was cold, so I didn’t want anything wet on me. I figured the same would happen, that I would want to change out of my clothes more. I changed and got in, I instantly felt relaxed and at peace with the birth story that was about to unfold. I let go of anxieties I had been harboring for the last 9 months and plus some. The last birth was a little traumatizing and I feared the same or worse would happen. Especially being a first time mom. 

Take a moment. Let’s think about the fact that we are in the middle of a pandemic right now. If I tested positive, what would be different? As of right now they’re treating me like I’m a negative patient. I’m still wearing my mask because it’s the respectful thing to do when you’re moaning out loud and into the air with people around you that have families and babies at home. Back when the nurse was asking me all the questions and I was waiting for the tub to fill up, they did to covid test. Guess what. It wasn’t that bad at all. They also asked me if a c-section was needed, if they could do a blood transfusion to keep my ass alive. uhhhhhhhh. sure.

    Fast forward to laboring in the tub- I closed my eyes and every contraction that came and left, opened my soul up to let go of all emotions I had felt the few weeks before. My anxiety was so high at times I felt completely alone in the idea of what reality could be like. Everyone just assumed it would “All work out” But here’s the thing. It only worked out in the way I could be most comfortable because I panicked, because my ultrasound tech and midwife saw I had low fluid levels at one of my last appointments. They talked about inducing me. This was a week before due to those low levels. I drank the shit out of some water over the week and weekend (even though they say it may not even do anything) and my levels actually went up and I was in the clear, but all that anxiety caused my plans to go into overdrive- as well as my help, aka- my mom. She moved appointments around like a boss as I freaked out on the phone thinking August wouldn’t have time to bond with her and she wouldn’t be able to learn his schedule, his lunches, and his little toddler words. I pictured my son wondering where mom and dad were and wondering why he didn’t see us for two plus days. I pictured his little heart not understanding why someone he had only seen once in six months was now taking care of him-  but they clearly didn’t understand his toddler words. My anxiety stemmed from the pandemic, it came from my son not knowing what was happening. It came from being pretty fucking isolated for the 6 months before labor and birth from everyone, friends and family, even though I wanted to see people. I love my people. I love my family. But we had to isolate- to ensure the safety of my family, my little guy, my husband, my birth plan, my newborn. There was no correct way of doing this. There was no right way to plan this out.
    
  

          I opened my eyes saw my husband sitting on a stool right on the other side of the wall of the tub. He was there holding my hands. He let me squeeze them with every contraction. I moaned low moans into a wet rag on the side of the tub. Then it started happening. I started letting go of all those emotions I had held in for 6+ months. I let go of all the anxiety I had built up. I started to cry. My eyes filled with tears of release. You know that feeling when you cry… weight is lifted off your shoulders. It was that- times 1 million. It felt amazing to let go of everything I had wished for- everything I feared- everything I wanted- everything I needed. It all came out. I wasn’t a crying ball of mess, I didn’t need to be, for it to have the best results. It was just a few moments of crying, I felt like a child whimpering. My make up was on the towel and I needed some tissues. My doula and husband promptly got me some. I tried to keep my self and my make up together. (I did it while contracting at home LOL) More lowwwww moans to get me through. My doula reminded me of how to sit in the tub, and to keep rocking back and fourth. Sometimes I would catch myself just relaxing and soaking listening to Ween. I ended up making a quick small playlist over the last few weeks before labor.

I remember a few select songs that played,
I was born- Hanson
Immoral Support- Must be the Holy Ghost
Captain - Ween
Buenas Tardes Amigo- Ween
The HIV song - Ween
Make It out Alive - Hanson
Wheres the love - Hanson

And that’s about it. I mainly remember because of little things that happened during the songs.

I rocked back and fourth with great rhythm to Immoral Support (LOVE THAT SONG)
Captain I was able to fully relax my body and moan and groan with the lyrics
Buenas Tardes Amigo- The lyrics “maybe I’ll sell you a chicken with poison interlaced with the meat” really threw people off, I think I giggled, maybe not out-loud. I don’t remember.
The HIV song- I mean. Clearly it’s a ween thing. lol.
Make it out alive - I broke down and started crying in the tub.
Wheres the love - I believe I was holding my new baby while my stomach was being pushed on for the after birth process.

    At some point the nurse asked me what my pain level was [1-10] after a contraction. I replied with a delayed and thoughtful “6” then another contraction came, it was more intense then the last one. They looked at me and was like, ‘that was defiantly not a 6’ - they were completely right, it was an 8.
    My doula had me get out get the tub and use the bathroom. It’s a trap! But a good trap. Sitting on the toilet helps contractions become more productive. You’re in a natural state of relaxation while on the toilet. So funny right? My first labor I hated the toilet, but I respected it. This time I respected it and accepted it. I sat, contracted, peed, contracted, got up, contracted came out of the bathroom, contracted again and got back in the tub. Climbing over the side was tough. Contractions would happen before getting in, while getting in, and after getting in. But with every one, you are closer to meeting your baby. Apparently. It never feels like it. But it’s true. 

     This time my doula had me try a different position. I sat on the seat in the tub, tucked my heels in and just tried to keep my pelvis open while staying relaxed. I can’t tell you how long I stayed like this because I don’t remember much of it. I just remember feeling thirsty and nauseous, which I’ve always heard was good!!! And hungry (I missed dinner completely but had a late lunch) I kept feeling like I was going to get sick but never did. I talked about it so much they gave me something to get sick in. I asked if I could eat little snack. They advised me to be careful on how much I ate, especially if I was feeling sick. I requested it as my husband was already reaching for it. I took a little bite of the strawberry shortcake granola bar. Instantly- I felt another contraction and this one with grunting behind it and an instinct to push. I groaned that my body was pushing on its own and I couldn’t stop. My doula and midwife looked right at each other and pretty much told me to get out of the tub. Hahaha, was it happening again? Was I only 7cm, pushing way too early? Anxiety started up again as they got the bed ready. I was under the impression they would check my dilation while in the tub- maybe they normally do, maybe not. I just remember getting help out of the tub and instantly crawling right on to the bed on all fours with, you guessed it, my ass in the air. More contractions and more pushing, more grunting. My midwife wanted to check me and I got mixed instructions as to whether I should push or hold out and breathe through the contractions more (it’s almost impossible once your body starts pushing) I heard someone say something of “swelling” I thought for sure I was having flashbacks to Augusts birth. I started to freak out a little and asked if I should be pushing. All I remember is my doula telling me to do what my body was telling me. I mentioned the swelling and I feel like about three people jumped in and said “Youre not swelling, it was about something else” or something to that degree. My midwife did mention I had a cervical lip, so maybe it had to do with that? It’s pretty much when you’re dilated but your cervix is just little bit over the babies head. So counter pressure is needed to help push back the cervix. Not a huge deal, I then remember feeling my midwife pushing on my cervix at the same as I was pushing the baby out during a few contractions. Apparently once you get past that lip- It’s all gravy baby! I only remember a few pushes- I could literally feel him travel further down. I felt like I was going to have the ring of fire any minute. If you need to know what the ring of fire is- it’s when the baby head is at the largest point, it burns all the way around your vagina. It’s not too bad though. After all it only lasts for like maybe two contractions. The hardest part is always adding constant pressure and holding their head there while you wait for the next contraction to push them further out. If you don’t, their head goes back inside, and no one wants that. NO ONE.

    I screamed at one point “I can’t do it!” (keeping that pressure of pushing to keep the babies head half way out) James looked at me and said, “YES YOU CANNNN- I SEE HIS EARS!” I gave one last push, which also involved digging my fingers into James’s arms (he had bruises for days). My other midwife (who was there to pretty much jump in and get some credits) apparently came in the room right as I was pushing Elliot out- she was new to the practice- but had been delivering for about 25 years or so. Hopped in and said, Michelle, here’s your baby, and sort of lifted him up a little while still half inside of me, I leaned forward and grabbed him- pulling him the rest of the way out. I laid him on my stomach and just soaked up the moment of everything that just happened. James leaned forward and gave me a kiss as we waited for his cord to stop pumping from the placenta. So here he was at 8:55- weighing 8lbs 5oz on July 13th. A day before his due date. I started contractions at 1am on the 13th. They broke my water at around 6:50. Got in the tub at around 7:10- and he was here by 8:55. INSANE. Completely different birth from August (total 78 hrs of contractions). Completely different pregnancy than August. And of course a different experience in the hospital. We only had to wear our masks in the hallways. I wore mine while in the tub- but it came off as soon as I was pushing. Everyone there had masks on, anyone that came in our room for any reason. No one mentioned Covid19 or the pandemic- I did have a good conversation with the nurse that followed us to the car. They fed James one meal a day and myself, three meals a day- they typically don’t feed the partners but I suppose they were trying to cut back on food deliveries to the hospital. We took a few newborn photos before we left and really tried to embrace everything happening. We were racing to get out the door and go home to our other baby though. I talked to a mommy friend and she said they face timed with their son, but he got upset because he missed them. We decided against FaceTime :( unless August was just inconsolable. We worried the same exact thing would happen. It was good knowing that James could go home and come back if needed. They only screened him at the door anyway.





We are so blessed to have both our baby boys. I wouldn’t want it any other way!!

Vegan Mini Quiche! Using Just Egg Brand

This is something I've always loved using JUST EGG for. Ever since I went mostly vegan I've missed the good ole fashion egg breakfast dishes. Using real eggs have always freaked me out. Just Egg actually cooks and tastes just like egg! You can find it in most stores in the egg area. (the Just Mayo is amazingggggg as well!)

I rarely measure everything as I go but here's an idea so you can adjust it if you like more of one thing than the other.

1 cup yellow onion
1 cup diced green pepper
1 cup of chopped fresh spinach washed
1 cup of Follow your heart vegan shredded parm or favorite vegan cheese
1 container of Just Egg
1/4 cup of Bacon bits

Preheat oven at 350F. Lightly oil your muffin tin to help prevent sticking- add onions, pepper, spinach, top off with cheese and bacon bits (fill about 3/4 full of items). Fill each muffin slot with Just Egg. It wont puff up too much, but don't over fill it. Pop your pan in the oven for about 20-30 mins, making sure sides are browning and egg is set- if needed set to broil till brown on top after the 20 mins of baking.

ENJOY!!

Get this look! Make up tutorial

Of course once I was actually able to look into a mirror I fixed up the darker eyeshadow a little more on the ends. 

For the eye liner, it was just a black twist up, and the Mascara was NYX black.

I typically let my hair air dry once I brush it. 

I also was subscribed to Ipsy for a while and I got this eyeshadow that I LOVED!!! Unfortunately I couldn't find the brand anywhere, so I had to google how it looked. I also had to look up what brands Ipsy typically worked with since I couldn't find the color in my Ipsy emails either. 

I finally found it! and I'll use that next time. It's urban decay, which I love!!! I bought like $70 dollars worth in five minutes because, sales. I don't think I've ever spent that much on makeup in one go.

Thanks for watching!!

Etsy upcomings!

Etsy Progress!

I'm taking a break from Etsy orders for a few short weeks! Be back soon!!

I thought I'd put together this blog for upcoming and current projects! 

If you have questions, let me know! I'm pretty busy now a days so hopefully I can keep up with pics and videos posts on here. After spring I should def have more time to work on crafts. If you have requests for a project, let me know! If I pick it, I'll give a discount! 

Thank you so much for stopping by!

Below are some of my most recent crafts & sales

you can find on my Etsy Hand Made Rings N Things!

Heres a few String Theory Digital Downloads too!!

Buy them here:

String theory stickers for photographers!

Hanson Themed string theory stickers:

Buy Here: 

Hanson themed planner stickers

GIRLS! Starting today!

And guys!

When you make a painted canvas purchase from my shop you get a free pair of earrings!

Like shown below:

Or! Just make a $10 dollar donation 

Newest item tonight!

I'm in love with these and I'm looking expand on these as well! I have so many awesome ideas.

Below is a time lapse video of one of my Galaxy paintings! More will be added soon!

Finished it today!

This is the finished product before the vinyl is added. 

Pinterest

Be. Creative.

I've started branching out again and tapping into my creative side. Some months recently (since 2016) I've not had a lot of time to myself to really focus. It's going to be good in 2019, I hope to start working with wood more and more and update more home diy projects. I find a lot of my ideas on Pinterest, so inspiring. I have quite a bit of followers on there....

17k monthly viewers. 

No idea how accurate that even is-

It's crazy, I've been pinning since about 2011. The first pin I ever heard about was when a mom came into my work and requested putting her daughter in her wedding dress from her wedding day for photos... something like this: 

ejrosephotography

All over my Pinterest you'll fine everything you can imagine. organization, crafts for kids, photography ideas, outfit ideas for sessions, incredibly offensive stuff just for laughs, meals and more! 

My Own Diy Projects:

 Galaxy painting with lyrics and added tree line. I'm in love and can't wait to get a larger canvas to do this on. This is only a 14x11- it shipped out today as an Etsy order :)

Photoshoppin! Memes! Bahaha!

Some of my pins will only make sense to some people. Mostly inside jokes with friends..

I add some quotes on an image and we share different jokes back and forth. It's way too fun!

"Ass so photoshopped it bends trees!"

Will go on an a few images soon I'm sure!

Newest pin! Our baby boys room! I painted the mountains myself! I'm so proud. The mobile was made by a dear friend Aimee. More details coming soon!

(Check back for more)

Our Baby August + one more

 
Our Baby Boy...

This part of the page will be to share our experiences over the last two years while trying to conceive, our losses, and Dr. visits. to try and encourage others to keep trying! I recently saw a segment on a talk show about TTC (Trying to Conceive) and they said after trying for a year the next step was IUI- Which is completely untrue. While I don't have time right now to start my first part of this post, I'll be adding more and more every night. (nice goal huh?)

Thank you for stopping by and if you have questions at anytime, let me know I'll be glad to answer them on here, or privately! 

-Before TTC-

First, let me start by saying that this journey is not what we expected at all. 

We never thought we would be a couple that would have any kind of issues starting a family. 

We are young, healthy and there were no past issues that we knew of. 

Ever since we got together, wanting a family was always in the back of our minds; after all, I wanted to start having kids at the age of 27, it was my "dream age" to start a family. I told this to James early in the relationship and he stayed!!! Knowing damn well the age 27 was around the corner.

We wanted to take our relationship slow and really get to know each other all over again. We dated for about 5 years and got engaged. Eight months later we were married. We even played a game at my bridal party "guess when they're gonna conceive". Sounds like a cute idea, but it actually it started to stress me out as I remembered the last "date" someone had guessed, it was like Jan 2016. We left for the honeymoon and on the 11 hour flight I read "what to expect,  before you're expecting" It turned out, I knew most of what I was reading. adjusting diet and such- 

-TTC-

The first six months of ttc we were trying on day 14, which is suppose to be the "best day for ovulation" however, I quickly learned its not always the case. I figured no matter what, this was the time frame we needed to try. After googling A LOT I soon discovered that everyone has a different cycle- this I knew, but never knew how different it was and how different it could be! There are a few stages of a woman cycle. 


Believe it or not, this picture makes perfect sense to me...
It shows the different phases, hormone levels, when they peak, and when ovulation is.

https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/the-menstrual-cycle-more-than-just-the-period

It seemed as though as I grew up, I had diet changes, quit smoking and it all seemed to of changed my cycle with out me really knowing. I've always known that when you do any kind of extreme diet change (I just slowly changed mine by cutting out meat and dairy) it will effect your cycle and it will be hard to keep up. I've heard from many people that as soon as they went vegan, they conceived. Well, I was pretty much already there, but something else must of been happening.

        In the start of 2016 we had some stressful times. This can also delay everything! your body can't keep up with the stress and almost prevents you from getting pregnant during stressful times. Not always the case, of course, but it does happen. I started checking my temperature every morning. Another learning experience!! if you move too much, or sleep with you mouth open it can effect your Basal body temperature. You have to buy a very sensitive thermometer- (a close friend let me have hers). You have to make note of your temp every morning. It also it best if taken at the same time each day! This whole things showed me that I seemed to be ovulating little early. You can tell by watching the chart move around. the highest temperature with a long drop right after, is your ovulation.

Here's an example:

                    

                I tried the ovulation strips, which test for the LH hormone. They didn't work for me because while also temping- the drop in temp (ovulation) was before the positive LH test. Which made no sense at all. When you get a positive LH test you are said to ovulate 12-24 hours after that positive test. Make sense? No. So I took this info to my Dr. and she just recommended to keep trying around cycle day 10 instead of 14. After another 3 months of trying and getting it wrong, it brings us to August 2016- exactly a year of officially trying. Doctors won't give you much help until you try for a year, at least at my age they wouldn't. I had a lot of support from friends and family. I googled, I got a lot of information. I asked my Dr. to please test my hormone levels at my next visit- I had to pretty much beg for her to do something. Keep in mind, I didn't have a regular doctor for a long time... So she pissed me off pretty bad by not doing anything that I had heard and read about doctors doing. 

                      While talking to co-workers we shared Dr. info (we had pretty in-depth conversations about the reproductive system and we had a lot of great convos that were pretty much TMI!) We enjoyed teaching each other different things about different experiences. I set up an appointment with one of the new doctors at my co-workers obgyn. Booked until Jan. of 2017. I booked my appointment for then. At my first visit they asked A LOT of questions. Everything they could have asked... they did! My new doctor already showed more concern than any others. Turns out she was actually the Dr. at that office for fertility. I was slowly being put in a section of people that had trouble getting pregnant. I never thought I would be in that category- But I knew I was in the best place. 

                      She requested I take a class to learn and track CM (Cervical Mucus) I know, it still sounds gross. The class was about 100 dollars or so- maybe more. I was sure I could google and read about it in my own time rather than a class. I gathered info for her, it wasn't much, but I insisted that I got it down to a day that was my "Peak day"

They drew my blood every other day for about two weeks! I HATE NEEDLES. I would always end up looking away and talking about other stuff. Finally, the reports came back, and we found that I ovulated early in my cycle (I already kinda knew that) and that some levels were low, which shouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant. Regardless, they wanted to help me. They said we should try some medication that helps you ovulate. (I already was) but they wanted to see it. This drug increased the chances of twins! Femara. It's like clomid, but not. It's meant to make you "over ovulate" almost. I took it a few times along with b6 500mg (to lengthen my short cycles) and Mucinex (yeah... To break up mucus) 🤷 anyway. 

I took a few rounds of femara. I didn't like it. It made trying for a baby painful because my ovaries were swollen with follicles. Greatttttttt. I stopped taking it and we ended up having a procedure soon after. This was called an hsg. A hsg is where they have you on a table, and they put dye in your uterus to see if there's blockage and if your tubes and ovaries are where they should be, for the most part. 

She noticed that dye couldn't get down my right tube. There was a blockage. She tried to unblock it with pressure and poking. It didn't work. I came out of this Drs. Visit feeling like a failure. Half a woman. How could this happen?! What was going on? Was it scarred? 

She assured me that people do go on to get pregnant with only one tube. The eggs are just released and can float around and get picked up by other the other side. I went to work after this procedure and cried to my coworkers. I was heartbroken. They were very supportive. They always have been. I knew surgery to "unblock" my tube would be expensive, and almost unnecessary.

So what was next?! 

Endometriosis. 

The next choice was to keep trying. 

I cried on the porch one night bc I felt like I had one more chance before my major surgery to get it. And if I didn't get pregnant then it just wasn't meant to be... I cried to my husband who's always been so supportive during all this. What if I was never going to be a mom. What if the surgery happens and I'm covered in endometriosis?! I've read horror stories about peoples bodies being covered! It would just be too much for me to handle. My Dr said how many incisions there would be. Up to six I think is what it was. Cameras, robotic arms, tools to cut it out of me. This is what was happening in July. My surgery I'd have to be put under for.  I would be out of work for two weeks.

And then it happened. I got a small positive line. 

.June 2017.

Right before my surgery, this positive. So faint it was barely there, it gave me hope again. It let me know it's possible. It's going to happen for us. We're gonna have a family one day.

The line quickly faded just as my hcg blood results came back. Such a small level that likely, wouldn't double or triple like they want.

My surgery came and went. They discovered a small infection in my uterus and I took antibiotics for 21 days. They couldn't tell me how long the infection was there, or even where it came from so that really worried me. However, I was very happy that I didn't have endometriosis like they thought. They also saw that my tube wasn't blocked it was just swollen from the infection. After I took the antibiotics we got pregnant two more times. Once in August and once in November. August we had no idea but while at the beach we actually conceived. <3

It's crazy to think that we were actually pregnant here. We found out when we got home that we would soon go through our second loss.

By the third pregnancy, we couldn't get excited as we had been before. It was tough, you have to stay positive. You HAVE to, but it's not always easy.

You hear about others becoming pregnant on accident and it's hard going through the losses again and again, the only people that can help you get through it are the people that can be mad with you and have been there. Someone who's never been through it doesn't have a clue what to say and how to help, and that's ok. 

Once again in November, another drop in HCG levels the pregnancy was only confirmed for a few days. I started to wonder if this is just what it was going to be. Was I ever going to find out why this was all happening. I had really close friends surrounding me through it. They kept me positive. 

    Nevertheless, every month we tried. But December, we tried less. For New Years we got a Lyft, went out with my cousin. We had a whole bottle of wine together, we got home, she got sick, I took care of her and pretty much carried her upstairs. I helped her change into her pjs and she looked at me and said "Michelle, you're gonna be the best mom" My heart melted, eyes watered and I replied with, Thank you <3. Little did we know a few days later, we would make a little lasting bean :) I found out on January the 15th. It felt different this time. When I called to make an appointment with my Dr. for a blood draw to determine my HCG level, the front desk girl went ahead and scheduled our first ultrasound. That has never happened!! The appointment? It was on Feb. 14th 2018. James and I had decided months before I got pregnant in December, that I would be able to work from home. The job that I had, changed my position, and I started teching like I did in 2008 when I worked at another eye doctor. It wasn't something I wanted to do. I loved my job position I had before. It wasn't stressful, it was a work at your own pace kind of job. Unfortunately, the company was to get rid of the position at all offices. I was heartbroken. But! knowing that I would be quitting soon it made it easier to relax and I guess that's what helped me get pregnant. As soon as we saw the HCG numbers were going up rapidly, I put in my two week notice. I ended up having my last day a few days before our ultrasound, so of course I had to come by work and show them his first photo and tell them all about it. 

Below is a photo of August at 6.6 weeks, the first time we saw him; we fell in love, and knew our world was almost complete. 

Our pregnancy was pretty boring, the best to have ever. No issues, nothing to watch other than progesterone blood draws every two weeks. No way to tell if it helped "keep me pregnant" but they liked to see it over a certain number. I took supplements the whole time I was pregnant.
 I also found out I was a A- blood type so that blood type can sometimes fight off any other blood types in my system, which could of had something to do with my losses. If a baby was forming that had a different kind of blood type, my body could view it as a virus and attack it. So half way through I had to get a shot, then after August was born, I had to get another shot to almost "reset my body". I only understand it when they explain it lol. 

I was offered two more shots while pregnant, which I declined. The flu shot and the Dtap. First, the flu shot doesn't have a lot of evidence of how safe it is for pregnant women. Why? because they can't do a study on pregnant women, so they offer these shots, and kind of do a "study" on the people that accept it. They say it gives the baby more immunity to the flu, as well as yourself. I didn't want to risk it. I never get the flu shot, and I wasn't about to get it while pregnant. 
The second shot was Dtap, I had a strange reaction as a baby to the pertussis vaccine, so my mom didn't finish the shots that were a part of the "vaccine bundle" I was also not about to test if i was still going to have a reaction, while pregnant, and also put my unborn baby at risk.




We also had an extra ultrasound done on the babies heart due to family history, everything came back normal and we didnt' have another ultrasound until I was overdue.


Saturday 
I started labor on a Saturday night. I mentioned to two of my friends if this time line seemed like I labor. (It was a screen shot of some of my contractions) I forgot to tell them that they were my contractions. LOL! They were both shocked when I made the comment of what they felt like. I went to sleep that night, and woke up a few time in the middle of the night to the contractions. I called my midwife at 4 am just to let her know that it was happening, but I was going to watch it.  I went back to bed and continued labor the next day.

Sunday
I woke up, and had a plan to have someone come get Lexi. She was going to stay with our friends Alaina and Kristina. Kris came by, we talked a little bit and I fought through contractions talking to her. She had to of known I was in slight pain every 7-10 minutes. We stayed on the phone with midwives and doulas to let the know the progress. I started to loose my ability to talk through my contractions into the day. The last thing I made to eat was a chicken wrap. I could barely make it through. They wanted me to walk around the yard, I barely got it down the steps of the deck. We finally packed up the car at about 6pm and went to the birth center. We arrived and walked around the building a few times, to try and progress the labor, they swept my membranes, which HURT LIKE HELL!  I stayed overnight and labored through, the doula got there and waited out the contractions with me. I was able to nap in the tub and loved it, but it seemed that the tub was slowing my contractions down. which was great, but it was too early for the tub. I should of waited. I stayed in the shower mostly.. it was so relaxing. The toilet was very productive as far as labor. They all said it would be, and it was. I wish I stayed there more, as much as I hated it. The contractions were worse when I laid down. I had to sleep though. There was some kind of shot or pill that was suppose to help with the pain. It kind of did. But I somewhat passed out with a room full of people, squeezing James's hand. This is going into early Monday morning hours.

Monday.
My mom was on her way, but I told her to wait, because I knew I wasn't progressing much and didn't want her to wait. They broke my water to try and move my labor along, if it was clear, I could stay at the birth center. If it was brown, then I had to go the hospital. 
It's been more than 24 hours of contractions...


more to come...  

























NEW ANNOUNCEMENT!

💙 Another baby boy on the way! 💙

Lactation brownie recipe!

I haven't had issues with milk production yet, but I know sometimes we just need a boost. What better way to do it than with brownies! I did this same idea with cake mix as well, I made cupcakes instead of a cake.


* 1 box Fudge Brownie Mix
(I also added the amount of water the mix called for)
* 1/2 cup vegetable oil or according to box directions
* 1 tablespoon of flaxseed soaked in 3 tablespoons of water - (Replacement of 1 egg)
* 1 cup old fashioned oatmeal
* 1/4 cup brewer's yeast
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract


I didn't add the milk, but mostly because I felt that with my experience with the triple chocolate brownies they ended up on the wet side most of the time. So I skipped the milk this go round.
 * 1/2 cup coconut milk